psyloche

I have stalkers

2005-06-28T05:29:43Z

SO here it is, i have stalkers, oh u know who u are. trying to find any reason to make me look like the ass just because i dont want to be friends with you. Jesus get over yourselves and accept the responsibility you played in our friendship demise, quit acting like im out to get you when I could care less. Im tired of being the bigger person and ignoring you guys, if you want to continue being bigger bitches than i will up my anty as well, no more ignoring you when your bitches, i will bite back, so i suggest you just let it go. I do not talk about eitehr one of you, though you sus[ect I do, I dont write things about you online, bseides this, and i coudl care less about your personal lives, however i cant say the same of you guys. You constantly find any reason you can to talk about me, try to find any insecurity i have and make fun of it, try to convince my boyfriend that Im not good enough for him, and make others feel as though im talking about them when im not, and you look up everything u can about me online so you can have more shit to talk about. Both of you look really sad to everyone around you, it is increadibly pathetic, grow up the both of you, or late ron in life u'll both have an increadibly rude awakening when you realize no one cares about this petty bull shit!

interning

2005-06-20T16:45:18Z

So Im at JMOMA interning again, im a little nervous right now. I had some blood owrk done a week ago and I called to getthe results and they wanted the doctor to tell me so they took my numbers down. I mean I know it could be nothing and thats just routine or what now, however, it makes me nervous, as if something is pretty wrong with me. This is what i do though I assume the worst in every situation. Jeremy and I arent speaking because he has just gone back to his usual self, and Im sorry i dont feel safe around him, and i guess im just tired of him putting us through this. One day he'll realize, but right now i cant waste my time worrying about him, and I wont, ive done enough of that for no reason apparently. The entire 4 years i have been here ive worried about my family, well im done, you know, i need to worry about myself because none of them have been trying to help me where i most need it, and i cant keep hoping they will, this is it, my opertunity to do whatever ittakes to take care of myself and stop trying to live by their standards. I know they cant really help me much in the way of my health, but sometimes its as if they dont even care, well mainly my dad and jeremy.And im done, i mean their my family but im done trying to do whats right for them, im just done. Both of them never see whati do anyways, apparently all ive ever done for jeremy is talk to him, i guess sticking up for him, driving 4 hours when i barely can afford to make the trip to see him, keepinghim from getting kicked out, or keeping dad from sedninghimto boot camp, doesnt count for anything, and thats fine, ill just stop then. shew, sorry had to vent that some where. Gave my cats there yearly bath yesterday and that was a workout lemme tell ya what, hehehe, but i got through it with out a scratch. Patricia's dog just shits and pees wherever it wants to, even though we have puppy pads everywhere, ugh and he has dihrea from eating the cta food instead of his own. I really wish people would just fix their male animals, i know guys think its inhumane, but you know what it tames them down and their easier to train and manage for crying out loud get over it. Alright well im pretty sick of looking at the comp screen so im gonna diddle daddle for the next 15 minutes and then get on out of here! Have a nice day everyone!

update

2005-06-17T16:13:37Z

So.....just been seeing school doctors trying to keep it together, get my apartment in order (which is a challenge for me), force myself to study for the CLAST so i may pass it. Work work work work. Which will never ever be fun because Jason is no longer there, sucks. So happy for him to start something exciting and to totally go on a fantastic adventure, but I guess I never realized how much I'd miss him, and how much the fun level at work would go down with out him. Corey and I are watching a cute little pomeranian while his mommy is out of town in brazil, he will be my little paris hilton dog, im going to take him everywhere, because isnt that the perk of little dogs anyways! Corey and I have the day off, so we're going to go to a show tonight, which will be fun, I havent been to one in a long time. Also its apparently Jesse's last day in Jax so I have to find somewhere to schedule her in, we didnt get to hang out much, due to me, but I really liked her, sux that all the cool people here are starting to leave, feels like high school all over again, i guess this is how life will be from now on, I juss need a job where I can travel a lot so i can visit all of these people. well im supposed to be researching at my internship, i just feel like my eyes are burning fromlooking at jmoma websites, but hey we all got to start somewhere right!
Have a nice day everyone!

P.S. found out that theres a lupus bracelet out there, you know like the cancer bracelets, its orange, i have a bracelet, bizarre huh! Oh and in a depressing moment and attempt at being rescued I emailed Oprah to see if shed rescue me from bad health care, hey it could work, ugh im sad arent I!!!

1st Day!!!

2005-06-06T11:24:02Z

Today is my first day at my internship at JMOMA I'm very excited, I hope that I love it and Ive been making the right decisions all these years in art history

operation "deep thought"

2005-06-04T22:22:44Z

My everday panic and relization, with the intent I guess in finding the meaning to all things (mostly to find the positive in why we are all here when it could all be taken away at any moment), usually ends in ugh death. I know I know very very dismal and shallowly depressing, but is my sad daily constant. Today however i really want the positive, I want it all to mean something and thats when i figured that even a man (woMAN) who has the deepest faith in his(or her ) creator (whomever he or she may be) still must acknowledge that we are not meant to know everything. So if we may die and there be nothing but nothing we shoudl all be equally fair to another and treasure every second, and if we may die and there be life after death, again we shall be equally fair to one another and treasure every second, because the mere not knowing is what makes life beautiful and more priceless (cheesy I know but my finding)and should be what pushes us to do increadibly positive things with out letting the "unknown" stop us. Sorry to be increadibly philosophical and cheesy but I needed to write it down before i forgot it and didnt acknowledge it!

flat broke

2005-06-02T16:03:24Z

Im absolutley flat broke, looking for another job flat broke, I knwo I know everyone says that but seriously I made 100 dollars all week, and I work almost everyday, cant live on that. Things are so bad that we have to ask my brother to pay his one week part of the rent just because we're not sure were gonna make it. Ugh we were really hoping to be like, hey sean dont worry about it. Oh well Im gonna try and go to the beach and have a nice time anywho. enjoy the day guys!

why is it that when ur young they have flavored meds but as you age they taste like crap?

2005-05-29T20:25:38Z

I mean I still appreaciate flavor in my old age, geez.

I miss home....

the day of ex's

2005-05-28T16:59:03Z

So nick called me last nite, completly distraught and upset like I had never heard him before. It was heart wrenching to hear him this way, he expected me to be a bitch because he hadnt called me or treated me very nicely in quite some time, but he's my friend in my heart whether he is around or really being there for me. In an awkward way it was nice to know in a time where he felt like he had no one else to turn to he'd call me, but ofcourse he hasnt called me back, he left me worrying and with a promise of calling me back, which is always a empty promise. I just hope he is ok, I love him unconditionally, because I can't help it, I will always be there for him. More later, gotta run
LT

clinic card

2005-05-24T16:12:41Z

so I called the health department and got an appointment to get a clinic card through them but its not until June 23rd, ugh so I had to call up PPH because I think I have a few cysts and it wasnt a big deal but now their starting to hurt, I dont want to suffer a ruptured cyst because I remember this girl in HS did right in class and she screamed bloody murder, I really thought she was dying and Im sure she felt like she was. so I just barely have enough money for tomrrow at pph but priorities are priorities. My mom and I are doing good, I called her and it was nice to talk to her and not be hounding her for something. Sarah has not called me as she promised so im pretty fucking pissed about that, and I called nick left a little message on his machine (ofcourse) and just said I know your not allowed to talk to me with out having relationshop woes but I wanted you to know that I miss you as nothing more than my friend and I think it sucks that our friendship has to end, but I miss you terribly and your important to me and I want you to know that, and ofcourse he didnt call back. girls are truly stupid. My ex roomate got a dui and people are throwing her a party because they feel bad, I dunno bout you but that sounds utterly silly to me. sorry u got a dui but here drink some more at your DUI party YAY!!! Increadibly stupid idea. If they wanted to help her maybe they wouldnt encourage her stupid drunken behaviour, or help her by toting her ass around, but a party or you serious. Got a clean bill of health from the doc at school(which means I am brochitus free) but because of all the inhalers and steroids he put me on my throat keeps closing up so now I have to take some antifungal medicine that makes me sick to my stomach. Things are on the up and up, they really are, their just taking a long time to get there, but they'll get there. Right?

so long.....

2005-05-22T20:50:31Z

I just moved into my new apartment, its pretty much done, but theres a little bit more to go. I got my internship at my fave jax museum, so im pretty excited about that, I have 3 awesome classes to look forward to this summer and graduation. These are all great things and Im trying to focus on them but there is so much that makes me sad. My mom and I talked and I finally got somewhere with her and she understands that she has to talk to me about stuff, because she is never doing anything alone, and nothing she does only effects her, she has 3 kids it effects all of us too. And I love my mother unconditionally, and I want her to be happy, but I cant help but worry when she doesnt call, or act "normal" persay. Sarah broke my heart 3 times over, she can be so self centered sometimes, and for teh record I think MITCH is a peice of shit and I dont give a rats ass if he knows it or not, any asshole that uses the same bullshit line more than once "I wanna be with you and I like you soo much, but Im afraid of hurting you" is such a peice of fucking shit. And God I miss Nick, I miss my friend, he was such an awesome friend, but we will never be able to be firends again, I guess i wasnt as important as I thought I was to him. I miss jason, I miss pee fy, but mostly I miss how my family used to be. I am still baffled as how things got so fucked up, but they did. And sometimes its hard being the one to track my mom down and bring her back to reality, to give jeremy a pep talk, to talk to my dad about how he has been not very rational or fair, ugh its like someone made me the rock of teh family and the whole time I thought it was my mom, Its hard being the rock because no one ever thinks u need a shoulder because your the rock, and in turn its hard to cry infront of people because your the fucking rock. I went to sarasota to release and unwind and it I just wound up and couldnt cry infront of my loved ones, I couldnt do it, I couldnt break down, and I wanted to sooooooo bad. I know at the very latest Im moving back in the beginning of nov, but thats scarey too. I mean so far that leaves me with pee fy, jay, and sarah when she's not stuck up mitch's ass. I love poee fy and jay but they have their own lives and im not sure i fit in sometimes. Working on the whole health care thing, so far nothin, but hopefully that will change soon, because 3 days out of the week my throat swells up and i cant swallow, etc etc etc. One day I'll have something positive to say. Love you all and hope things are much better for you.

I dont want to be your big surburban

2005-05-03T13:51:49Z

Thats how I used to think the song went and in my head it fits better that way. I feel pretty icky today, very light headed and etc. Havent heard from my mom in a while, its like she doesnt even care, I could be starving right now and she wouldnt care, I just cant believe it. Life just seems so empty to me, lately I have been in the mindset where I think everything is pointless because we're all going to die and no one has control over that, this kind of thinking was the source of my panic attack and its not healthy thinking. The idea of death just seems so bizzarre to me, the idea that we're in thsi huge cycle and its apart of nature. I feel like we're animals in a big cage and we're just messing everything up. On a lighter note sarah and I are going to the new mall today so i can watch her buy stuff, now doesnt that sound fun to everyone. Corey and I went to a dinner party last nite, and it was very nice and fun, ofcourse our little heathen dog peed and pooped in their house even after we asked her not to embarrass us, but eh what r u gonna do we are those parents with the bad child but oooo shes so cute!

its been a loooooooong time

2005-04-30T20:02:41Z

so it sure has been a long time since i've written in here. My computer has been possessed by spyware for quite sometime and it was rather annoying to use. So a lot of good thing have happened and a lot of bad, the only way to begin in this situation is the good. So I finished all my classes and did rather well this semester, I had a great critique, had my first showing, really improved as a printer and photographer. My brother is moving back soon and we are going to upgrade from a hideous ghetto effeciency into a nicer ghetto two bedroom. I only need 4 more classes to graduate, and it is very possible i shall gradute in august, FINALLY! I have some great things lined up this summer, an independent study just working on my art and improving as a conceptual photographer documenting disease particularly lupus in a way that will give it beauty and meaning, therefore making it a postive aspect of my life. I also have an intership in the workings with JMOMA( jax museum of modern art), which is very exciting for me. However, I may not graduate due to teh fact that my mother refuses to fill out the fafsa for me with her information therefore shooting all my financial aide right out the door, screwing every chance I have for paying for my classes. She has also ruined all my credit and made me broke, which is a long dishertening story that I am not willing to go into. As usual when you need him he really comes through, my father is helping me replace what was lost and hoping that all the financial aid stuff works out. I have today off which is nice, and my computer is fixed. My health has been slowly declingin and im not sure when it is i will get to a doctor again, im pretty scared for my outcome. I also had a horrible panic attack yesterday and Ive never had one that i couldnt control, it was pretty freaky. I hope it all pans out, well i guess things will work out as their supposed to.

Im a Fireman, thats my name, I make my rounds all over town puttin out old flames....

2005-04-03T03:49:47Z

Yeah everyone would like to have a what a i got, I can cool them down when there smoldern' hot, Im a fireman thats my name... mm hmm thast right people a little george straight never hurt anyone, infact I sometimes think that if my family were in a movie george would be most of our sound track. For instance, Fireman was my little brother sean's favorite song when he was like I dunno 3 or 4, ofcourse he will never admit it, but hey thats what video is for, as well as counting momentous occassions of sean and I declaring our future professions when we grew up, I was goign to be a part time actress part time vet, and sean a Ghost buster, peter venkman to be exact. The point is everyoen has that silly band or musician that secretly make sthem happy inside even though it is taboo ( i unfortunately have many) George however i could never be ashamed of, he reminds of when sean had temper tantrums, how much fun it was to drive him nuts because he would get all red and look constipated as if he were going to explode and then try and hit me and when he couldnt he'd get more frustrated, it was a vicious cycle but hey what r big sisters for, also it reminds of my grandmother, sometimes my dad, etc etc, george rocks in my book, and damnt im proud, beside im from mississippi, its inherant that I at least enjoy one country artist, right? Anywho, this is it. Im off of work and shortly i will be heading to sarasota to bens baby. Oh gosh Im so proud and excited, a miniature ben, how cute is that. Im thinking of joing the peace core when I graduate, its always somethinG I wanted to do and now having more knowledge about it think it would only help me with school and stuff like that, but mostly I think it will stop my restlessness and help me with that nagging feeling that I am not contributing to my kind, my community, or those less fortuante than me. I can only see it enriching me and hopefully bringing peace to my restless soul. Ah but there is a catch< i Have to go for 2 years and well thatd oesnt really bother me too too much, but I have babies and when i say babies I mean my kitties and my bunny. It sounds rinky dinky to pass up this opertunity because of my pets, but I got my pets because i was willing to be devoted to them and be responsible for them, and besides all that crap I love them, maybe too much, but I really love my animals, they bring me serenity and they make me laugh. So it may seem liek an easy decision to some, its not for me. if its meant to be I suppose i will find a solution, if not ah well.

This is not a joke

2005-04-01T23:54:46Z

MY EthiopiBEN had his very first baby!!!! A baby boy, a mini ben running around. Im so excited. Im going to come home saturday after I get out of work so I can see the little munchkin myself. Congrats BEN, I know he'll make a great daddy!

how many licks does it take to get to your center?

2005-03-31T00:09:19Z

I got two of my prints into a show for the first time ever, so im pretty excited. My family is coming up to be here for the reception which is pretty cool. I havent been feeling to well today, but right now i feel better so thats good. It was nice to hear from an old friend on sunday, thank you for calling, it was so nice to talk to you! I havent been up to much lately except working and going to school. Mostly just kinda contemplating everyday life and what it is I am doing. I never seem to know teh best decision to make it seems, and well I dont think I am very content, but then again I never have been, ive always been restless and never know why?

my mom survived because she was a mammal

2005-03-04T20:45:56Z

now when ever i write in my journal I am going to have my title be a random quote from my day. I love the one i used today, its an oldie, but it was in a home movie i was watching the other day, it was so random and hilarious. I miss my homie, lets see if you recognize your own words. Spring breaks coming up and im due for a visit so i may just see u soon. I found my social security card in the move, so insurance should be on its way for me, which is so awesome, i have felt like ass for the last couple of days. Well I really should get back to studying, it is what I am here for. Have a nice day!

P.S. my comp is fixed now too so i can play the sims 2 and its sooooooooo awesome!!!! Internet,cable, and phone is on its way as well!!!

today is opposite day, no means yes and yes means no, etc

2005-02-10T14:41:33Z

Last nite was good, a great study session, I worked, studied, and then went to corey's. I havent talked to my mom in a while, and I hope she is doing well. Ive made some good decisions with the people I allow into my life, if anything that my bad experiences with people have taught me is just that some people are just not good for you whether or not you want them to be and how godd you are to them. I let all thos people in my life go, even the really hard ones (Lemur). And there are the occassional people who live to see you fail (which I believe is a form of jealousy and envy, sad) and feeling their negativity can pull you down, but when it comes down to everything I have no one to prove anything to but myself which leaves me with nothing to prove. Its good to not care what people think of you, but its even better to really mean that, because if you really mean that than you yourself would act accordingly. When people usually say that they dont care what people think they are usually referring to a certain person or persons, and well if you meant that than you wouldnt talk bad about that person, wish ill will upon that person, specificly ask not to be around that person, and well thats just immaturity. Alas I have said all this before, it just boggles my mind, but at the same time makes me giggle. I mean have you ever had some one hate you soo much that they assume that you feel the same way and that you are always being a certain way when you are not, i mean it makes things quite hilarious, I mean to talk to someone and have them yell at you with such anger that their face gets red when it isnt necessary because they think your being bitchy when you are just basically saying dude I messed up get off my back, is absolutely hilarious. Because when I say I dont care what people think I mean it, so i dont care when they talk shit or wish ill will on me, because their anger impowers me and makes laugh at how much they are stressing over a ridiculous situation. Im off to take my test, send me thought waves of baroque art, caravaggio, caracci, artemesia gentilieschi, sirani, reni, you know the artists you all know and love! Everyone have a nice day.

u like the way i stare at u

2005-02-01T06:41:55Z

i dont know how to say what is boiling inside me, but I am considerably bothered, sad, and disapointed. And that is basically rationally all i am allowed to feel. But ofcourse I feel more or rather feelings are rolling thru me whether I want them or not. None of them good, and its so annoying and frustrating. everytime i let things subside, it is seen and not allowed. Im too tired and exhausted for this, blunt honesty is better than this. so i'm clutching it tight
another glass in my hand
and my mouth and the smiles
moving up as i stand up
too close and too wide
and the smiles are too bright
and i breathe in too deep
and my head's getting light
but the air is getting heavier and it's closer
and i'm starting to sway
and the hands on all my shoulders don't have names
and they won't go away
so here i go
here i go again...

falling into strangers
and it's only just eleven
ans i'm staring like a child
until someone slips me heaven
and i take it on my knees
just like a thousand times before
and i get transfixed
that fixed
and i'm just looking at the floor
just looking at the floor
yeah i look at the floor

and i'm starting to laugh
like an animal in pain
and i've got blood on my hands
and i've got hands in my brain
and the first short retch
leaves me gasping for more
and i stagger over screaming
on my way to the floor
and i'm back on my back
with the lights and the lies in my eyes
and the colour and the music's too loud
and my head's all the wrong size
so here i go
here i go again...

bitten by a leukemia striken cat

2005-01-26T17:15:54Z

Yesterday I aced my ist quiz of the semester, which sets the tone i think. So far this semester has been going great!!! School is awesome, everyone at school is awesome, it is hard printing with an abnormally large finger. So corey and i were working out in the gymn at my apartments when he spotted a pretty, little, black cat. We watched while we were running and I saw that the cat was limping pretty bad so we went outside to see how bad it was, and he was awful. there was no visible wound but his foot was in larged and his eyes were runny and so was his nose. I felt that this cat was not going to make it and it would be better 4 the humane society to come get him and put him asleep so he wouldnt have to live out the rest of his life in misery, however since it was not my property they said i had to have the apt manager call, when i spoke to her she decided she wanted to give the cat a fighting chance, but wanted me to put myself in the line of danger and capture the cat 4 her and put him in the pet carrier. The other lady working grabbed him, freaked him out, so i tried to calm him and he started to flail his claws around so i grabbed his paws, corey told me to grab him by his neck as i attempted to do so he bit into my middle finger. antibiotics, tetnis shot, and one uthenized (spelling?) cat later ( apparently the cat was suffering from feline leukemia and a ruptured absesce)im freaking i could possibly have rabies, but yesterday i found out the cat was rabies free, so now im left with a scar and cool story, oh and 3 days left of antibiotics. michelle im sorry i havent emailed you yet but i will soon i promise.

nothing is worse than puppy poop on your bed two days in a row

2005-01-14T16:13:59Z

operation no more poop on my bed is in effect. Everything is going relatively well in my life except my living situation which is all to common with me. Had some cool people ask me to move in with them and the offer is way tempying but I think I may just live on my own for a while, that way its mine and ill be more comfortable coming home every nite. Because most people that ask me to move in with them have their own house and been there done that, when its someones house and your just renting a room things get a little complicated and you feel like you live in this little space while there is this whole house u really arent allowed to enjoy, I dunno I just want a peacful situation and when its just yourself there isnt anyone you can be mad at except yourself. My classes are pretty awesome this semester, i have friends in all my classes and I love my brittish art and arch class, LOVE IT, becaus eyes I am a dork, and i like the dorky history stuff and monarchs are so interesting, their herecy and horrible crimes they got away with because they were royalty its so soap opera hahahahaha. Ah well I hope everyone is doing well, i miss you all and I will try my damndest to keep in touch more.

so here it is

2004-12-29T02:46:00Z

Im having a great time in sarasota, its nice to be working somewhere different and know that things arent the same everywhere you go. It was awesome having corey here for xmas, the trip was totally worth it. It was teh first xmas we had had since the divorce that we were all together as a family, who could want for me, oh and yes i got my digital cam, so i couldnt be happier. As for things in jax, people are still the same shit talking group, which is fine because my promise to those who seem to enjoy talking about me immensly is that I will not do the same for you. I will not talk bad about you as I havent in the past. You two ladies know who you are, the turth is I have not talked bad about nor said anything I havent said to you. One of you has never gotten along with me but always tried to pretend we are friends, and lets face it we're not. I dont hate you, i dont think bad about you, i dont wish bad for you, and i dont talk bad about you. As for the other partner in crime, one day you just started giving me attitude and well i got tired of the silly shananigans that go on and withdrew myself from the game, and since then you have not spoken to me. Birthday party's are not events in which the birthed invite people who wish negative things upon them nor who inflict negativity in their lives, its not a social event in which you invite those who do not acknowledge you, you invite people who A: like you B: havent dipped out on your birthday in the past for selfish reasons C: dont talk crap about you when you clearly have enough respect for them to not speak badly of them. Thats all I will say about the subject and then I am going to let it go, because I wish that things can be civil and mature, lets hope that isnt too much of a long shot. I hope everyones holiday's were great, so far mine have been. I do miss my lemur but am realizing maybe its time to cut the string, and there has been a certain female best friend of mine who seems to be on an argue binge but hopefully that will subside. If I dont see any of you HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

he was so comfy

2004-12-10T20:34:44Z

Im done, its awesome because this semester kicked my ass both physically, mentally, and emotionally. never again will i attempt to take 6 classes, its just not worth your sanity. I had the best time last nite, i may have embarrassed myself a little bit but I think it was taken as cute rather than annoying, hopefully? it is 6 days today until my birthday and im so excited, i really dont know what to write. All is well and I hope tonite at work isnt as bad as it has been.

rogue1281 @ 2004-12-08T10:43:00

2004-12-08T15:43:11Z

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rogue1281 is love
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rogue1281 @ 2004-11-19T13:56:00

2004-11-19T18:56:46Z

You are 73% Sagittarius

How much do you match your zodiac sign?

punkin

2004-10-28T15:17:29Z

pumpkin carving tonite, call me if u want to hang!http://www.crush007.com/love.cgi?id=1098972873hqb